I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
