your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
