hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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