dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
