Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
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