I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
