your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I deserve this hangover.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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