he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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