Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
