Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize