It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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