Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
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