My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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