I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
