just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
