you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
