Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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