i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
