Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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