Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
