My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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