I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
