I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
