i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize