If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
