I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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