I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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