I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
