Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
