When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
