I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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