I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
