the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
