I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
