Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
