I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
