At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
