If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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