I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
