I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
