The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
