I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
