Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
