My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
