the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
