last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
