Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
