I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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