the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
