Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
