I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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