Ketchup is God's man juice
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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