i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
