Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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