I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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