Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
