I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
