I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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