How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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