I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize