Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Randomize
