I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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