Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I smell stomach acid.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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