sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
