My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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