He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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