Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
